Dinner Manners

The following are a few very short stories about my hubby's inner child coming out in full force:

*While at Dinner with Jimmy, I ordered a delicious raspberry lemonade. Considering it cost almost 4 bucks I prompted him to try it since he was the one who actually was going to pay for it. As soon as I gave it to him he blew bubbles with the straw for at least a minute. Really?


*We had plans to go to dinner with a friend and were watching a movie. Since we had reservations at 7 and it was oh, 6:50 I kept bugging Jimmy to turn off the T.V. and get ready. Considering I was full on pajama mode not but 10 minutes prior, this shouldn't be too hard of a task for him. After nagging him 3 times about it, I finally walked over to the T.V. and said (in my best mommy voice):
"Jimmy honey, it's time to get ready now. I gotta turn off the T.V. now cuz we have to leave. So please get ready. "


*Our dog recently broke his leg and has to be in his crate pretty much 100% of the time. One night while we were asleep, he managed to get his cone off and chewed at his bandages. Upon discovering this, Jimmy called the dog an ass hole and said something like " Well, if he keeps acting like this he is gonna lose his leg and it will be his fault." To which I replied: "Babe, he is an animal, he doesn't know any better, does he?" amazingly he had no response.


*My best Friend and I hang out a lot. So much so that Jimmy has nicknamed her my "other husband". We had plans to go to a concert and I was chatting on facebook with Jimmy about it, telling him I really wanted him to come with. "Aren't you going with your other husband?"
"Ya, so what does that have to do with anything. Why are you being such a baby lately? It's really unbecoming of you" I said
Jimmy responded with:
"Why are you being so whiny lately, its really unbecoming of you."
I ended the conversation by stating:
"Seriously? you are only calling me whiny cuz I called you a baby" Then I logged off.

School Lunch Money

My DH and I just got home from visiting his family in Atlanta, Georgia. We went there as a surprise for his father's 60th birthday. While at the party, Jimmy had a chance to chat with an old friend from high school. She informed us that their 10 year reunion was the following night. We went to Georgia to see his family but what are the chances that the reunion would happen to be the same weekend? So of course, we decided to go.

The reunion was being held about 45 minutes away and we were wondering how much it would cost and if we really cared to pay it. Of course it came as no surprise to anyone when Jimmy's mom immediately grabbed her purse when she heard our musings about coughing up dough for such a seemingly worthless event.

Hence, we decided to check it out and drug his brother, Larry and future sister in law, Alison with us. When we got there I was disgusted for the second time that they were charging 60 bucks for something you can get for free on Facebook! My first disgust came from seeing the kind of people who went to his highschool. It looked more like a 30 year reunion. For every sweater tied around a guys shoulders, there was a pound of make on each girl. MY eyes are still burning from all of the pastel button-up shirts I saw that night.

I Immediately turned to leave and was stunned when Jimmy turned to his wallet! My shock immediately subsided when he told me that his mom gave him a cool hundred bucks to pay for the event. Long story short: Larry, Alison and I informed Jimmy that we would be sneaking in. There was no way we were about to pay a collective $240 for some lame douche-bag filled reunion. We were especially grossed out that Jimmy actually wanted to pay to get in! Coming from the guy who has faked having a child to get free stuff, snuck into multiple movies in his life and even pretended a handicapped lady was his mom so he could get priority seating at a comic book convention. It ended up that Jimmy was happy we crashed because he had to use his school money for the cash bar. After about 5 minutes, we decided to go home and leave Jimmy to his reminiscing.

I find it so funny that at the drop of a hat, Jimmy's mom gives her grown son a hundred bucks to use for school and that is still about 79 dollars more than I ever received through my entire Jr. and High school years combined. Thats why when his mom slipped him another 60 bucks when she dropped us off at the airport, I didn't feel bad at all confiscating all three Andrew Jacksons.

Temper Tantrum

The other day, I noticed that the Jimmy-job chart we made a week or so ago still had one thing left on it that wasn't crossed off.

*Change the broken sprinkler head.

I alerted Jimmy of this news and he of course said something like " well, we just gotta get a new sprinkler" so I have learned to say- "That's all you babe." Because in the past, "we" usually ends up being just me. The conversation ended there and I kinda logged it away in my- thatsnevergonnahappen-file.

Wrong! That night, in an effort to fix the sprinkler, my Dear Husband figured he could ninja kick it into submissive working order. Obviously that went well since what resulted was sprinkler genocide and of course a rushing geyser. This is not the first time he tried

banging on something like a frustrated toddler in an effort to repair it. And like a child, he has little-to-no knowledge of how to actually repair anything i.e. the whole square peg-round hole idea. Based on my memory alone, he has also tried this caveman technique on the following: A television, a DVD player, a keyboard, MY camera, a cabinet, a GPS, and my personal favorite was his phone. To quote him: " My phone broke in my hands." To which I of course replied: "You mean, you broke your phone... with your hands."

The next day when I got home from work, he was digging up the sprinkler. As soon as I got out of the car he says: " I need a little hand shovel" So I told him they were in a basket in the shed. On his way walking over he says "Where in the shed?!" I stayed quiet since I figured he

could glance around the 5 x 5 space himself but he asked again so I said. "On the shelf"

"Where? I don't see it"

"Well, if it's not in there, I don't know what to tell you."

"Kat, I need you to help just get up and help!"

He then emerged with a large trenching shovel right as I was about to go look in the shed.

I say "Well, if you are gonna use that I won't bother to look."

"I asked you and you wouldn't move, I told you I needed your help!"

"Well I guess you are good to go then."

"Kat I wanted you to help but you just sat there."

Since I knew this would go back and forth for at least 20 minutes I got up and looked in the shed. No basket, no shovels. I was right, surprisingly! I told him it wasn't there then walked inside. A little while later, he came in holding the broken sprinkler and said, "Where are the new ones?"

"In the bin on the porch I think, if not they are in..."

"Kat, you just need to help me, this is so silly- just come help!" he calls as he is stomping around the house. I managed to sneak the rest of my sentence in:

"...the box in the shed labeled Sprinklers" before he slammed the door.

It may seem cruel that I wouldn't help him dig a small hole, unscrew one sprinkler and screw a new one back in- but if I keep holding his hand through every task, how is my boy ever going to learn to do something on his own? Plus for every 10 things I fix around the house, he fixes 1 and asks 10 questions about it.

Albeit frustrating that he isn't skilled with home repairs, I didn't marry him so that I could save a few bucks on a plumber, (Plus I have 4 brothers and a father who know how to fix any and everything) I married him because I LOVE his childish personality. He is the funniest, most creative, easily amused, spastic, random, and unconditional loving man I have ever known.

So I just gotta laugh at the fact that the sprinkler is still broken.

Diaper Changing?!?!

Okay, Okay I know my hubby is a little boy but at least I don't have to change his pampers. However, don't think he hasn't tried to have me do that for him too! Here is a little video that was secretly recorded by his brother a few years back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GL5-0n4IVQ

HA HA HA HA HA HA!! ...sigh

The Job chart

Growing up, my mom always made job charts for us kids. She tried every single method out there: The spinny wheel, the gold stars, the velcro situation. They always worked but it seemed only for about a week or two.

Despite the apparently risk of failure, the other day I made a job chart for my Dear Jimmy. But in grown up terms it is more commonly referred to as "The Honey-do list". This may seems like an odd thing to hand over to your husband but when you have a guy like mine, it makes perfect sense. It was actually his idea. Not only do I not have to nag him over and over to do the 3 things I want him to do, but he actually really LOVES to cross things off a list. I knew this about him for a long time and I don't know why just now I have realized to implement this technique. Whenever I want some music downloaded, I will write it down and within a day or two I will have it. He crosses off the days on the calendar, he makes lists for himself and he is so good at his job because they give him and "action list" of grants that need to be written, so he is consistently 2 months ahead of schedule.

The list is simple: His 5 chores are at the top, the middle is things we get to do together, and at the bottom is my list of 15-20 things I have to do. How could he complain about what he has to do when he can clearly see I have given myself so much more work?!? I wrote up the list after he went to sleep and simply set it next to the door so he would see it before leaving for work the next morning. That night, he immediately had 3 things crossed off. I knew this would happen but was still surprised it happened so quickly and with such fervor! Especially since he had a movie to go to that night he still managed to work it all in.

I am hoping this technique will not wear off like our job charts seemed to when we were kids but I have a feeling it wont since Jimmy has never seen a list he didn't like. I REALLY hope it always works because as the list for house projects goes down, the quality time in the bedroom goes up! It's amazing how that works, isn't it?

Little Boy Summer Camp!

Something monumental happened this week! My Husband's new xbox came in and he DIDN'T EVEN OPEN IT!

Has all my nagging finally paid off and I can finally celebrate the joyus end of his childhood? Has he come to his senses and realized that nerdy video games are rotting his brain and he would much rather spend his time weeding the garden while I sip a spiked snow cone? Is PlayStation sending him sleuthy subliminal messages to his cell phone all "Big Brother style" telling him that Xbox is spawn of Satan?

Le sigh..... Those all sound like a dream come true don't they? Actually is sounds more like Hell froze over because I think dreams actually do come true. The reason he didn't open his brand new xbox delivered right to his door all primed and shiny for the playing?

He was leaving that same night for LA because he was going to little boy's Summer camp: A Video Game Convention! Yes my DH is at what is called E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) http://www.e3expo.com/ . Just so you can fully understand how nerdy and adorably immature he is, I have complied a list of his facebook updates he has posted since being there for the last 2 days:

Jimmy: is sitting in the airport waiting to board a plane in order to play video games for three days straight. E3 here I come!
Monday at 7:04pm · Comment ·Like

Jimmy: About to check out the demonstration for THQ's Homeland...Then it's off to show MTV Games and Harmonix how Rock Band 3 is supposed to be played vocally!
Yesterday at 1:52pm · Comment ·Like

Jimmy: Played the new Tron game (They loved my Flynn Lives shirt) and rocked out on a light cycle! If the movie's half as cool as the game, then GET ME TO DECEMBER!!

Yesterday at 3:50pm · Comment ·Like

Jimmy: Day Two of E3 starts right now ... And ... Here ... We ... Go! 13 hours ago · Comment ·Like

Jimmy: God bless Sony Online Entertainment's free cocktail hour and God bless Iron Man!
4 hours ago via Twitter · Comment ·Like @slugfilmcritic on Twitter

Kat : With all of the blessings you have given Iron Man already. I really don't think you need God's help!
32 minutes ago · Comment -Like

RIGHT, so that second post is some new nerd language for all I know because I can't understand one friggin' word of it. The fourth post "And here we go" is a quote from Batman! Mind you, this has all been in just 48 hours and that is even with me leaving some of it out! I almost didn't re-post that God Bless Iron man one because it is a little too embarrassing. He is quite obsessed with Iron Man- well War Machine rather- but that is a whole 'nother can of blog!

So obviously I have been home alone for the past few days, just me and our new dog Flynn (yes he is named after something having to do with the movie Tron). So right about now, you are probably thinking to yourself: "I bet she is sleeping like a dude when the baby is crying, since her hubby is outta town!" Yea- I was expecting the same thing! I have the bed all to myself, lights and T.V. off, curtains closed and just the right amount of down comforter to sheet ratio. I was certain this formula would ensure some serious sleep that only takes 30 minutes but feels more like 100 years. To my dismay, It was the worst nights sleep of my life! I was hot and then cold. I was uncomfortable, restless, sleepless, dreamless. I felt uneasy, kinda scared and lonely.

I guess that when momma gets a night off, at first she enjoys the break, but after a day or two you realize that part of you is missing and you just aren't right unless your amazing little boy is back where he belongs: Snoring like a gremlin right next to you.

Mean Mommy

I now understand why my mom was always yelling at us kids growing up.... because that is the only thing that worked! When asked nicely, children don't take orders seriously since obviously mom doesn't REALLY want it done because she isn't serious (i.e. she isn't screaming mad).

This is essentially what I have to do with my husband. It would be great if I wasn't a yeller and I will be the first to admit that I seem to get to hollering pretty easy. I wanna blame my mom for teaching me that, but I realized that I only get to that place after asking nicely no less than 10 times.

Last night Jimmy and I had a fight about the fact that we need to till and re-sod the yard this weekend because he hates mowing around our strategically placed grass/rock bed/weed garden from hell. So the plan is to take it all out and just have a normal flat grassy yard. He poisoned the entire front yard 3 weeks ago in prep for the big overhaul. So now that everything is dead, and looks oh so lovely might I add, it's finally time to get in there and get our hands dirty. Jimmy claims he can only dedicate Saturday to the yard since he has "Geek Show" on Sunday. In case you were wondering: "Geek Show podcast" http://www.thegeekshowpodcast.com/ Is essentially 6-7 guys sitting around talking about geeky movies, comic books, super heroes and anything else that would repel a woman.

Anyway, when I tell him that our disgusting-neighbor offending-yard comes before the lame podcast, he goes into this giant diatribe about how we couldn't get it all done in two days anyway and how we haven't gotten rid of the rocks and how there is still a cut down dead tree we need to deal with. And of course "we" means "me". He tried to rationalize by saying that geek show would only take 2 hours ( he started the argument

by saying it would only take 4). Long story short I tell him that if he goes to the Geek Show instead of finishing our yard, I would be livid.

His response you ask? "Well, then I guess you will just be livid."

The shit hiteth the fan-eth.

Basically the next hour went from me yelling to storming out of the room and of course yelling more because he kept arguing after I left, and then he followed me, So it ended with me eventually crying of course. This is pretty much how all of our bad arguments go. He acts selfish, I flip out, he acts even more selfish and immature because I have now turned into mean mommy, and then I tire out and start to break down and that is when he finally relents and says he was wrong and sorry and that he loves me more than anything. He ended up actually skipping a free movie screening in order to spend the night hauling rocks out of the yard.

I know he would do anything for me and I have lost count of how many times he has said; "All I want to do is make you happy. I just want to see you smile." I just wish that I didn't have to get to the point of tears along with making several proclamations about how depressing it is that I married a man who is actually a 5 year old boy with a DVD remote in one hand and a light saber in the other.