Dinner Manners

The following are a few very short stories about my hubby's inner child coming out in full force:

*While at Dinner with Jimmy, I ordered a delicious raspberry lemonade. Considering it cost almost 4 bucks I prompted him to try it since he was the one who actually was going to pay for it. As soon as I gave it to him he blew bubbles with the straw for at least a minute. Really?


*We had plans to go to dinner with a friend and were watching a movie. Since we had reservations at 7 and it was oh, 6:50 I kept bugging Jimmy to turn off the T.V. and get ready. Considering I was full on pajama mode not but 10 minutes prior, this shouldn't be too hard of a task for him. After nagging him 3 times about it, I finally walked over to the T.V. and said (in my best mommy voice):
"Jimmy honey, it's time to get ready now. I gotta turn off the T.V. now cuz we have to leave. So please get ready. "


*Our dog recently broke his leg and has to be in his crate pretty much 100% of the time. One night while we were asleep, he managed to get his cone off and chewed at his bandages. Upon discovering this, Jimmy called the dog an ass hole and said something like " Well, if he keeps acting like this he is gonna lose his leg and it will be his fault." To which I replied: "Babe, he is an animal, he doesn't know any better, does he?" amazingly he had no response.


*My best Friend and I hang out a lot. So much so that Jimmy has nicknamed her my "other husband". We had plans to go to a concert and I was chatting on facebook with Jimmy about it, telling him I really wanted him to come with. "Aren't you going with your other husband?"
"Ya, so what does that have to do with anything. Why are you being such a baby lately? It's really unbecoming of you" I said
Jimmy responded with:
"Why are you being so whiny lately, its really unbecoming of you."
I ended the conversation by stating:
"Seriously? you are only calling me whiny cuz I called you a baby" Then I logged off.

Temper Tantrum

The other day, I noticed that the Jimmy-job chart we made a week or so ago still had one thing left on it that wasn't crossed off.

*Change the broken sprinkler head.

I alerted Jimmy of this news and he of course said something like " well, we just gotta get a new sprinkler" so I have learned to say- "That's all you babe." Because in the past, "we" usually ends up being just me. The conversation ended there and I kinda logged it away in my- thatsnevergonnahappen-file.

Wrong! That night, in an effort to fix the sprinkler, my Dear Husband figured he could ninja kick it into submissive working order. Obviously that went well since what resulted was sprinkler genocide and of course a rushing geyser. This is not the first time he tried

banging on something like a frustrated toddler in an effort to repair it. And like a child, he has little-to-no knowledge of how to actually repair anything i.e. the whole square peg-round hole idea. Based on my memory alone, he has also tried this caveman technique on the following: A television, a DVD player, a keyboard, MY camera, a cabinet, a GPS, and my personal favorite was his phone. To quote him: " My phone broke in my hands." To which I of course replied: "You mean, you broke your phone... with your hands."

The next day when I got home from work, he was digging up the sprinkler. As soon as I got out of the car he says: " I need a little hand shovel" So I told him they were in a basket in the shed. On his way walking over he says "Where in the shed?!" I stayed quiet since I figured he

could glance around the 5 x 5 space himself but he asked again so I said. "On the shelf"

"Where? I don't see it"

"Well, if it's not in there, I don't know what to tell you."

"Kat, I need you to help just get up and help!"

He then emerged with a large trenching shovel right as I was about to go look in the shed.

I say "Well, if you are gonna use that I won't bother to look."

"I asked you and you wouldn't move, I told you I needed your help!"

"Well I guess you are good to go then."

"Kat I wanted you to help but you just sat there."

Since I knew this would go back and forth for at least 20 minutes I got up and looked in the shed. No basket, no shovels. I was right, surprisingly! I told him it wasn't there then walked inside. A little while later, he came in holding the broken sprinkler and said, "Where are the new ones?"

"In the bin on the porch I think, if not they are in..."

"Kat, you just need to help me, this is so silly- just come help!" he calls as he is stomping around the house. I managed to sneak the rest of my sentence in:

"...the box in the shed labeled Sprinklers" before he slammed the door.

It may seem cruel that I wouldn't help him dig a small hole, unscrew one sprinkler and screw a new one back in- but if I keep holding his hand through every task, how is my boy ever going to learn to do something on his own? Plus for every 10 things I fix around the house, he fixes 1 and asks 10 questions about it.

Albeit frustrating that he isn't skilled with home repairs, I didn't marry him so that I could save a few bucks on a plumber, (Plus I have 4 brothers and a father who know how to fix any and everything) I married him because I LOVE his childish personality. He is the funniest, most creative, easily amused, spastic, random, and unconditional loving man I have ever known.

So I just gotta laugh at the fact that the sprinkler is still broken.

Diaper Changing?!?!

Okay, Okay I know my hubby is a little boy but at least I don't have to change his pampers. However, don't think he hasn't tried to have me do that for him too! Here is a little video that was secretly recorded by his brother a few years back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GL5-0n4IVQ

HA HA HA HA HA HA!! ...sigh

The Job chart

Growing up, my mom always made job charts for us kids. She tried every single method out there: The spinny wheel, the gold stars, the velcro situation. They always worked but it seemed only for about a week or two.

Despite the apparently risk of failure, the other day I made a job chart for my Dear Jimmy. But in grown up terms it is more commonly referred to as "The Honey-do list". This may seems like an odd thing to hand over to your husband but when you have a guy like mine, it makes perfect sense. It was actually his idea. Not only do I not have to nag him over and over to do the 3 things I want him to do, but he actually really LOVES to cross things off a list. I knew this about him for a long time and I don't know why just now I have realized to implement this technique. Whenever I want some music downloaded, I will write it down and within a day or two I will have it. He crosses off the days on the calendar, he makes lists for himself and he is so good at his job because they give him and "action list" of grants that need to be written, so he is consistently 2 months ahead of schedule.

The list is simple: His 5 chores are at the top, the middle is things we get to do together, and at the bottom is my list of 15-20 things I have to do. How could he complain about what he has to do when he can clearly see I have given myself so much more work?!? I wrote up the list after he went to sleep and simply set it next to the door so he would see it before leaving for work the next morning. That night, he immediately had 3 things crossed off. I knew this would happen but was still surprised it happened so quickly and with such fervor! Especially since he had a movie to go to that night he still managed to work it all in.

I am hoping this technique will not wear off like our job charts seemed to when we were kids but I have a feeling it wont since Jimmy has never seen a list he didn't like. I REALLY hope it always works because as the list for house projects goes down, the quality time in the bedroom goes up! It's amazing how that works, isn't it?

Mean Mommy

I now understand why my mom was always yelling at us kids growing up.... because that is the only thing that worked! When asked nicely, children don't take orders seriously since obviously mom doesn't REALLY want it done because she isn't serious (i.e. she isn't screaming mad).

This is essentially what I have to do with my husband. It would be great if I wasn't a yeller and I will be the first to admit that I seem to get to hollering pretty easy. I wanna blame my mom for teaching me that, but I realized that I only get to that place after asking nicely no less than 10 times.

Last night Jimmy and I had a fight about the fact that we need to till and re-sod the yard this weekend because he hates mowing around our strategically placed grass/rock bed/weed garden from hell. So the plan is to take it all out and just have a normal flat grassy yard. He poisoned the entire front yard 3 weeks ago in prep for the big overhaul. So now that everything is dead, and looks oh so lovely might I add, it's finally time to get in there and get our hands dirty. Jimmy claims he can only dedicate Saturday to the yard since he has "Geek Show" on Sunday. In case you were wondering: "Geek Show podcast" http://www.thegeekshowpodcast.com/ Is essentially 6-7 guys sitting around talking about geeky movies, comic books, super heroes and anything else that would repel a woman.

Anyway, when I tell him that our disgusting-neighbor offending-yard comes before the lame podcast, he goes into this giant diatribe about how we couldn't get it all done in two days anyway and how we haven't gotten rid of the rocks and how there is still a cut down dead tree we need to deal with. And of course "we" means "me". He tried to rationalize by saying that geek show would only take 2 hours ( he started the argument

by saying it would only take 4). Long story short I tell him that if he goes to the Geek Show instead of finishing our yard, I would be livid.

His response you ask? "Well, then I guess you will just be livid."

The shit hiteth the fan-eth.

Basically the next hour went from me yelling to storming out of the room and of course yelling more because he kept arguing after I left, and then he followed me, So it ended with me eventually crying of course. This is pretty much how all of our bad arguments go. He acts selfish, I flip out, he acts even more selfish and immature because I have now turned into mean mommy, and then I tire out and start to break down and that is when he finally relents and says he was wrong and sorry and that he loves me more than anything. He ended up actually skipping a free movie screening in order to spend the night hauling rocks out of the yard.

I know he would do anything for me and I have lost count of how many times he has said; "All I want to do is make you happy. I just want to see you smile." I just wish that I didn't have to get to the point of tears along with making several proclamations about how depressing it is that I married a man who is actually a 5 year old boy with a DVD remote in one hand and a light saber in the other.

Will this momma wife ever get a full nights sleep?

My DH (dear Husband) is by far one of the most amazing men I have ever met. He is hilarious, witty, smart, good looking, talented, spontaneous yet responsible, driven, passionate, loving, successful, sexy, kind and a very very good.......mommas boy.

DH is very close to his mother and has always treated her (and his father) like gold. I of course find this very rare and respectable. However, I often times wish that he wasn't SO attached to the apron strings. His mother is an incredibly amazing and generous woman. She is and always was so good to him. Too good in fact. She usually gave him whatever he wanted and if she didn't- I am confident he whined until she did.

I knew before I married him that I would have to help him grow up. While I love the playful, carefree, unconditional loving parts of him, The other parts can get quite exhausting (just like all the mothers out there). I think that since I met him he has grown from a 3 year old into a 5 year old. Ergo: He matures 1 year for every three years of my hard child rearing work. Based on this formula: I will get a full grown mature adult boy in about 100 years. Good thing we plan to grow old together!

I have been thinking about writing of my experiences for a little while now and after this mornings antics, I figured today was a great day to start.

Trying to get a good night's sleep is a chore,

Ever since I have been married- it just won't happen anymore!

But I guess it's preparing me, to have a little son,

And geeze I hope he will be easier than my first one!

He stays up too late, the energy just won't stop

Watching t.v. and playing games on his laptop

And when I finally demand the electronics to cease

He likes to hear stories and play games til he sleeps

Then of course my mind races from all the games

And I lay awake having a second-wind brain

He sleeps like the dead- into dreamland he soars

And I lie there trying to drown out his tractor-like snore.

I finally drift to sleep but its just for a spell

Or that's what it seems like, from what I can tell

Three awful alarms blare off just five hours later

I am still so tired I feel like I've been hit by a freighter

Stuff a pillow over my head, try to go back to sleep!

If I am lucky today, then he won't make a peep!

How could I even pretend that is what he will do?

When he stomps around the house like a 2 year old in boots

In the tub and out, then up the stairs and back down

Turn on the light, "where's my keys? Help me look all around!"

He claims he has no time to feed the puppy dog

And if he has to poddy, I'll have to take him for a jog

Eventually when I arrive at a semi conscious state

I manage to stumble out and start my work day

And somehow I know that later on that same night

We will start it all again, this sleeping marriage plight!